Fuel Conversion/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: Now here's a man whose heart is big as all outdoors, and his other internal organs are just as enormous. The star of our show -- mr. Red green! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Thank you very much. Certainly hope you weren't eating dinner during that intro. Uncle red, that's shock television. That grabs the audience's attention. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a-a! You see, that's what this show needs, is pace, action, and movement. Visual dynamics -- pan in, pan out, dolly, tracking, trucking. [ chuckles ] harold! Speaking of action and trucking, moose thompson decided to wash his truck this week. And he likes to use possum lake water 'cause we got so much soap residue in there, it makes its own suds. Sometimes it even leaves a nice layer of wax on your fenders. It can oil your door hinges, too. It's really good. Yeah, if it would wrap things in a layer of duct tape, I'd throw you in there, harold. So, anyway, moose put his truck right down on the dock, which I thought was a little foolish 'cause that dock is not very level. I've seen flatter roller coasters. Yeah. Well, moose thought about it, so he got some logs to put, you know, in front of the wheels so she wouldn't roll. Unfortunately, he took the logs out of the dock cribbing, so the whole thing kind of collapsed on him. Well, you know, life's like that, isn't it? Well, yours is. So, what are you gonna do now? We have to have a dock. Well, we're gonna build a new dock, harold. We've already got a brand-new crib foundation, formerly known as moose's truck. And I would say by sundown tonight, the guys are gonna go out and scavenge lumber, and we'll have enough for a brand-new wooden dock. And everyone else who lives around the lake is gonna be missing wood from their dock. Well, that's just part of the price of having a cottage up here. ♪ when the night gets lonely and the road seems long ♪ ♪ it's good for your soul to just burst out in song ♪ ♪ and the lousier the singer ♪ ♪ the louder the song ♪ ♪ 'cause if you sing loud enough ♪ ♪ maybe the audience will think it's the band that's wrong ♪ red: This week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you what you can do with all that copper pipe and stuff you got leaning up against the house since that time the bathroom blew up when we showed you how to clean ceramic tiles with nitroglycerin. Now, with most of the projects up here at the lodge, the key is never throw anything out. Which is also a philosophy that saves a lot of marriages. If you don't happen to have any copper pipe at your place, uh, surely there must be a construction site nearby. And, remember, the moon doesn't shine every night. But talk is cheap. Let's build. Step one is you got to take all the pipes apart and get all the fittings off them and so on. So you got to heat them up to do that, and I suggest you use one of these household propane units. Turn her up full. Get the flame really going on her there. But I'm gonna use the slow way and heat this all up. The idea is you're gonna melt all the solder in there, and she'll just, uh -- just pop apart on you. And... Oh, boy. No, no. Okay, no problem. No problem. [ clicks ] [ sighs ] uh, harold, call the fire department. Hopefully by the time they get here, it'll be worth coming. All right, so, uh, now we just take the pipe. [ sizzles ] ohh! I should say, the red-hot pipe. And, uh, we drop that into water. And when that thing hits the water, those joints will just pop right open like a sunfish on a tennis racket. [ steam hissing ] oh, boy. Okay, yeah, maybe we should have let that just cool down a tad before we popped it in there. [ siren wails in distance ] all right, uh, this is gonna take a little while, so why don't we just get on with the show? And, uh, I'm gonna come back a little bit later. I'm gonna show you how to make all of this pipe into a really unusual chair. And don't worry. I'll get these fittings apart. [ clears throat ] and now it's that part of the show where we expose the three little words that men find so hard to say -- "I don't know." wa-a-a. And here to prove that point on "the experts" portion of the show is, of course, my uncle red and his good friend -- oh -- mr. Glen braxton. Wa-a-a! All righty, here we go. Letter number one. "dear experts, I'm a bit overweight, but, then, who isn't?" oh, I'm not. Not me. I got big bones. That's all that is. Yeah, it goes on. "I'm interested in shedding a few pounds. "what would you say is the fastest, easiest way to lose weight?" good question. Okay, yeah, yeah. Actually, my three oldest girls are always on some sort of diet or something, and I don't know why, though. I mean, you've seen them. They're not really overweight at all, are they? No. No, no. They're slender. They're slender. They're svelte. They're svelte, yeah. Oh, your oldest daughter, she's like christina applegate and michelle pfeiffer and cindy crawford all just rolled into one. Boy, you know, harold, I could introduce you two. No, thanks, though. I mean, you know, she -- wa-a-a-a. She's right out of my league, you know. [ chuckles ] she's much bigger -- older than, uh -- it's not just right. You know, she did say that she had a little crush on you. [ chuckles ] oh, yeah? Yeah. A crush, harold. Think about it. All right, mr. Braxton, what about the diets? You were saying? Oh, yeah, right. Well, uh, my motto is, watch what you eat, you know? What I mean, is, uh -- well, you got to cut out things. You got to cut out cookies. You got to cut out ice cream. You got to cut out danish, pastry, pies. Pies. You know -- you know, those pumpkin pies, you know, right around thanksgiving, they're loaded up with whipped cream, you know. They're just nice ones. They're just right there at the dinner table. And they got a cherry on it, you know? And cherry crumble pie. My oldest daughter, lisa, makes this cherry crumble pie. I swear it's that thick, and it's got just stuff falling off the top. But you're just looking at it, and, man, it's just -- oh! [ shudders ] that's the stuff. I hope that answers your question, viewer. Whoo. I'm hungry. Yeah. "it is autumn. "hunting season. "in the scrub, a nervous creature cowers, "eyes wide with fear. "trembling, lost, afraid. "jumping at every sound. But mother is always twitchy on opening day." and there we go. Now, uh, she's probably gonna leak a little bit, you know, but it's a lawn chair, so it just becomes a lawn chair/sprinkler. Then you hook your garden hose up there to the inlet up in the top corner. And, uh, oh, don't forget your water safety. And then what you do is you use this valve here to bleed all the air out of her. [ air hissing ] and once she's full of cold water, by golly, you're gonna be cool as a cucumber all summer long. Or, you know, if you live next door to a brewery, you could just run the hose into one of them big beer vats of theirs. [ beer pouring ] ein prosit. Ah, this is living. [ pop ] [ hissing ] yeah, beer will do that to you. [ electricity crackles ] oops! Red: Buzz? Oh, red, man, how's it going? Uh, not bad. I-I-I need some 6-inch spikes for building the new dock, and harold here has run the possum van right out of gas, which means I can't get any till I have some. When is somebody around here gonna have the brains to put the gas station at the bottom of the hill? Well, that's no sweat, man, 'cause I can fly you into town. Would you do that for me, buzz? Hey, red, you know me. All I need to fly is a good excuse. Yeah, and you need a pilot's license, too, right? Not if you got a really good excuse, like, um, if the cops pull us over, we'll just tell them your wife's going into labor or something and she's having, like, triplets or something. But before we go, you got to help me install my new control panel, okay? So, here -- hold this. Yeah, all right. I need four holes here, you see? Whoa, man. I need one for the compass. Ohh! And one for the altimeter. Ohh! And one for the tachometer. Ohh! And this one's for the ashtray. Ohh! Great. Now, instruments. We need instruments. Can't go flying without instruments. No. Let's rock 'n' roll. Uh, buzz, shouldn't those be hooked up to something? No, you see, you only need these in the plane, right, in case the cops pull you over. Oh. Buzz, buzz? Yeah? How do cops pull you over when you're flying in a plane? With guns. You know what? I just had an idea. Um, instead of me going to town, what about harold here go with you, and then I can stay and supervise the new cribbing for the dock, you know? Yeah, okay, but I don't want him throwing up on my windshield like he did last time. Just fly low, and if he has his helmet on backwards, I think he'll be fine. Oh, okay, all right. Let's go, h-- harold? Harold? Harold? Where'd the doofus go? Harold? Harold! Come on, harold, go with the nice man. Well, our new dock is up, and we got a whole lot of wood left over. Mind you, there isn't a telephone pole or a railway tie within 20 miles of the lodge. And stinky peterson was going over to that construction site across the street, you know, while the guys were on lunch. He's gonna try and get some planks, you know, for the top of the dock. But I think the foreman kind of knew he was coming, 'cause he'd put an 8-foot fence around the whole yard. So, now the dock is 8 feet wide. And we got enough wood left over to build ourselves a pier, a wharf, and a jetty. Excuse me, uncle red, but aren't those just fancy names for, you know, "dock"? Yeah, but we already have a dock. Actually, that's kind of dumb. We don't need any more docks, and we only have three and a half boats. Uncle red, I know what we can do with the extra wood. I know what we can do. You know what we can do? We could build a brand-new television studio. That's what we could do! We could build a brand-new television studio, and that way, we could do the show properly. Wa-a-a-a! Right? Right? Yeah, that's a good idea, harold. Then we could hire a proper producer and director. [ laughs ] you know what I -- you know what I was saying? Forget it. Just forget what I said. Because that'd be silly to do that. Forget it completely. A wooden studio? You know, hello! Nobody's there I don't think. The acoustics would be terrible. You know, and the termites. You know, the sap dripping off. Forget it. [ chuckles ] I'm sure you can think of something else to make with the wood. We have, harold -- smoke. You're gonna burn it? You're gonna -- that's such a waste. Uncle red, waste not, want not. Harold, want not, you not. With all this talk these days about, you know, converting to alternate fuels and being conscious of the environment and everything, what we're gonna do is we're gonna convert all our vehicles to run on firewood. W-woodburning cars. Yes, sirree, poppy cocktails. Picture this one, harold -- dual overhead potbellied stoves. Dougie franklin says we're probably looking at 50 miles to a log. And with the railway ties in there, you get the creosote, gonna lubricate your transmission. I don't think that's gonna work, uncle red, really. You want to bet, harold? No, I don't want to bet. 10 bucks, harold. 10 bucks. It's not gonna work. No, no. Harold, put your money where your mouth is -- not that you have that much money. All right, I'm in. 10 bucks. Okay, okay, all right. You know, if this woodburning thing works out, I think we could be expecting a call from the gas companies and the oil companies on this baby. If it doesn't, I think we can expect a call from the fire department. [ chuckles ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ the moon has magical powers ♪ ♪ to make things change in their appearance and personality ♪ ♪ when the moon shines through the limbs of the maple tree ♪ ♪ it can turn an admirer into a werewolf and vice versa ♪ [ howls ] ♪ oh, the moon is a mystery with magical powers ♪ ♪ that's for sure, we know that ♪ ♪ that's true, we know that ♪ ♪ but hanging a moon out of the rear window of a '74 chev ♪ ♪ doesn't turn it into a lunar module ♪ red: Well, I was out the back of the lodge, just working on an old paddle. Well, it's time for "adventures with bill." anyways, this was handed down to me by my great-great-grand-- oh, boy, bill. Oh, yeah, bill had brought some traps. These things, I'll tell you, scare the heck out of me. But he wanted to show us how you go trapping with these. And then he -- bill, bill, bill! Bill, that's an heirloom. It is now kindling. Thank you. Anyway, he goes out there, and he says, you know, if you have a trap like that, you got to -- you got to dig a little hole for it. Because if it was just up on top of the ground -- oh, oh, oh. If it's just sitting on top of the ground, of course, the animals are gonna see it. You mark that there. Well, that's a good idea. We'll use that as a marker to tell us where we're gonna -- where we're gonna bury the trap. So, he digs a hole deep enough that the trap will go in there and actually be below ground level so you can't even -- even if you're lying down on your side, you couldn't see this thing. Oh, boy, that's a scary item there. Now he puts all the little bits of twigs. I'm helping him out here the best I can, you know. We're covering it up so you'd never, ever know. And I think the pole is a terrific idea there 'cause it kind of marks -- at least to me. To bill, it wasn't, you know, but to me, I was using that as kind of a marker as to -- bill found a carrot there, which is an idea. You can use that to kind of bait another type of trap. But, of course, again, with the pole, I was -- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Now, I'm questioning, why would you move? Why would you move? But he said, "well, okay, if you're upset about it, I'll move it back." that's not good enough, bill. Aah! So, now it's a different type of trap here. This is one where you just have a box leaning on a board. That's about it. And then, oh, yeah, got to put some bait in there, so he's got some celery and some of those carrots. Put that in there. Now, he's got a string attached to the board, you see, so that's the idea. Now, this is not the best view of bill that you'll ever get, but... Whoa! Funny how things work out. So, anyway, now we're just sitting there, waiting for something to come along to get the carrots and the celery and what have you. We got to be very quiet now, sit very still. Shh! Yeah, all right, bill, all right, all right, all right. [ crunch loudly ] oof! Oh, oh, oh, oh, look. Oh, oh. Must be getting close to easter. He's going in there, and he gets inside, and bill gives it a yank. Oh! Oh. Oh, boy. And off he goes with the carrot. Wow. So, we got to go check this out and try to figure out exactly how is this box defying the law of gravity. So, bill goes just to club the darn thing before he gets too far. [ bear trap closes ] yeah, that's right. That's where that snare was, bill. Oh, my gosh. Oh! Look what I caught here. Ohh! I don't want to clean this one. And now here's harold reaching out to today's youth... While today's youth reaches out to the channel changer. Wa-a-a! Welcome to a brand-new feature on "the red green show" entitled... Wa-a-a. I'm harold green, film aficionado and cinemaholic and, by happy chance, a director myself. [ chuckles ] okay. Cut the music and cut the credit cues! Zoom in! Wa-a-a! When film historians name-drop great film directors of the 20th century, they oftentimes mention people like john ford, william wyler, david lean, and one young prodigy who has redefined the cinematic medium, even though, you know, he hasn't really directed a feature film or people won't even let him, like, near a camera. But anyway, like stanley kubrick, he's able to find those interesting angles. [ chuckles ] cut to camera 2! Where's camera 2? Oh. [ chuckles ] and like capra, he's able to get the most exciting and electrifying performance out of each and every player. And like truffaut, he's able to embellish each scene with only his special touches. [ crunching ] [ chuckles ] and like preston sturges, he's able to let a scene play on. [ chuckles ] harold, you'll never work in this town again! And like hitchcock, he knows exactly when to yell, "cut!" cut. Hap, can you give me a lift into town? Your van not working, red? Let me guess -- dougie franklin's replaced the motor with a woodstove. No, no, no. The van's out of commission 'cause somebody stole the right front tire. You don't say. Oh, yeah. Goodyear, whitewall, 75r14. Good tire. Well, I guess I can see my way clear to giving you a lift. Maybe you'll do something for me later on. What are you going into town for? Well, a tire and some matches for our alternative-fuel woodstove-project thing. Ah, tricky things, alternative fuels. And I remember the problems we had back in the '50s, when I worked on the atomic buick. Hap, did you say "atomic buick"? [ engine shuts off ] a proton-powered 4-door sedan for the nuclear family. No pistons. No pollution. No oil to change. I designed the transmission. Einstein designed the engine. And a woman named enola gay designed the exhaust system. I never heard of an atomic buick. Why would you? We, uh, didn't get it past the prototype stage. In second gear, the atomic reactor -- or what we called the atomic pile -- would overheat and backfire a mushroom cloud that'll flatten a city block. Boy, I guess that would put an end to tailgaters. Yes, sir, but it was a safe car. Solid lead. And instead of headlights, red, I designed it so the whole front of the car glowed. And fast -- zero to the speed of light in 14 seconds. Wow. That is, uh, hard to believe, actually. It's too bad it didn't work out, because that car got 800 million miles to the gallon. But the big oil companies bought up all the patents and disbanded my design team and melted down the lead and scrapped the atomic pile. To this day, no one knows where that pile is. I would think you'd be sitting in it about now. Well... That was a good day, you know. Got ourselves a new dock and had enough wood left over to build an outhouse or a garden shed or a couple of cathedrals. And a bit of late-breaking news. Apparently a couple of railway tank cars full of propane, uh, got a little derailed just down the road here. Apparently, there was no railway ties under the track. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, the carpenter ants have been brutal this year, harold. Oh, haven't they, though, uncle red? [ chuckles ] your hat's smoking there, uncle red. Thanks a lot, harold. No problem. Oh! Oh, the $10. Oh. [ laughs ] I forgot that you owed me $10. I forgot, because you were wrong, and thusly you owed me $10. For being wrong, you have to pay me. But I forgot that, that you were wrong. I was right. You were wrong. It slipped my mind. But now I'm reminded by the $10 that you gave me how wrong you actually were. It's clear as a bell how wrong he actually was. [ screeching ] well, there's the squeal of the possum. I have to go down to the meeting and show them how I have the $10 from you being wrong. [ laughs ] I would suggest you don't go to sleep before me tonight, harold. Well sighs we're not dead up here at the lodge. Apparently, the railway company is not gonna be able to get those propane cars out of there, so we're gonna convert all our vehicles to run on that stuff. So, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming home straight after the meeting. Maybe you could draw me a bath so I can rinse the ashes out of my hair and possibly extinguish my undershorts here. And to the rest of you, on behalf of -- oh, the heck with him. On behalf of myself and everybody except harold, thanks so much for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching ] all rise. All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Couple of quick ones before we start the meeting.